Random Thoughts.....What Are You Thinking?

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Steve Elliot, woke up in a swamp. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Steve Elliot deflowered a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved jar of toenails was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Toaster. Steve Elliot had known Toaster for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Toaster was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... selfish. Steve Elliot called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Toaster picked up to a very angry Steve Elliot. Toaster calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks belch before mating, yet legless puppies usually earnestly turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Steve Elliot. Why was Toaster trying to distract Steve Elliot? Because he had snuck out from Steve Elliot's with the jar of toenails only seven days prior. It was a striking little jar of toenails... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Steve Elliot got back to the subject at hand: his jar of toenails. Toaster yawned. Relunctantly, Toaster invited him over, assuring him they'd find the jar of toenails. Steve Elliot grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Toaster realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the jar of toenails and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Steve Elliot took the spaceship, he had take at least two minutes before Steve Elliot would get there. But if he took the Spoon? Then Toaster would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Toaster was interrupted by seven abrasive killer tick infested gnatss that were lured by his jar of toenails. Toaster shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he carefully reached for his potato and carefully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Spoon rolling up. It was Steve Elliot.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Steve Elliot was out of the Spoon and went earnestly jaunting toward Toaster's front door. Meanwhile inside, Toaster was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the jar of toenails into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Toaster was worried but at least the jar of toenails was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Toaster indiscriminately purred. With a calculated push, Steve Elliot opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish spite-toting jerk in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Toaster assured him. Steve Elliot took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Toaster had hidden the jar of toenails. Toaster panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Steve Elliot was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Toaster noticed a dimwitted look on Steve Elliot's face. Steve Elliot slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Toaster felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Steve Elliot asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the jar of toenails right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Steve Elliot's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Steve Elliot nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Toaster could react, Steve Elliot randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The jar of toenails was plainly in view.

Steve Elliot stared at Toaster for what what must've been ten seconds. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Toaster groped charismatically in Steve Elliot's direction, clearly desperate. Steve Elliot grabbed the jar of toenails and bolted for the door. It was locked. Toaster let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Steve Elliot,' he rebuked. Toaster always had been a little abrasive, so Steve Elliot knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Toaster did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his jar of toenails tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Toaster looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Steve Elliot. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Steve Elliot. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Toaster walked over to the window and looked down. Steve Elliot was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Steve Elliot was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Toaster's place. Steve Elliot had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral killer tick infested gnatss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the jar of toenails. One by one they latched on to Steve Elliot. Already weakened from his injury, Steve Elliot yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of killer tick infested gnatss running off with his jar of toenails.

About six hours later, Steve Elliot awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Steve Elliot did not know where he was. Deep in the humid swamp, Steve Elliot was abnormally lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his jar of toenails was taken by the killer tick infested gnatss. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous killer tick infested gnats emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha killer tick infested gnats. Steve Elliot opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the killer tick infested gnats sunk its teeth into Steve Elliot's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Steve Elliot's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Toaster was entombed by anguish over the loss of the jar of toenails. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Steve Elliot... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the jar of toenails that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant killer tick infested gnatss, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(