Random Thoughts.....What Are You Thinking?

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Hah, I still have that entire comic series saved in my favorites.

Xanax makes me hyper, lol.

Valium has no effect.

Klonopins are what knock me out.

Yeah.. Uh.. My wife won't let me have those anymore, they don't knock me out either, it's just like drunk v5.0 for me..

Kinda gross..
Me and pills don't really have the best experience, I see pills and think "oh maybe I can get some sleep" so I take 'em, and just because they never really do anything with out it, I chase them with alcohol, not excessive or even enough to get drunk or anything, just something to kick it up a bit.. Same thing always happens, still can't sleep.. So I end up taking more because now I'm completely inebriated and can't think clearly and say "hey, this is a bad idea"..

The only pill I can dose reliably (and if I'm having a bad day or something, I'll still end up over doing it, because then emotion takes over whatever conscience/logical thought I have) is Xanax, and that's only because I have so much experience with it.. But it's a double edged sword, because I'm used to it, so it's not going to put me to sleep, it just relaxes me.

I just got woken up like 20min ago by a stomach pain. Like someone is squeezing the ***out of you. I keep forgetting these are anxiety attacks.

If I take a xanax now, which will take effect immediately, then I can't get back to sleep and will have to be up for the next 4-6 hours.

If I take a klonopin it will take about 20-30 to kick in, but then I can go back to sleep. But I have to deal with the pain until it kicks in.

See I never got the drunk feeling that I've seen so many other people get from any benzos. Probably because I actually do need them, lol.

xD Nooo, Slip.

***I wish a doctor would give me either of those.. I get put on *** trazadone.. That's all anyone wants to give me.. I really do suffer from panic attacks and have since long before I ever even got into the party scene.. I've had some panics so severe doctors don't believe it, until they see it, unfortunately, they don't just come on like that..

One panic attack left me blind for 20 minutes, fully conscious could move and talk to people, couldn't see, and was sweating so bad by the end of it I wrung out my shirt and there was literally a puddle of sweat that fell out, looked like I had just jumped outta the pool..

Another time, I passed out and woke up with my dentist standing over me, along with every single person in that office doing the same, and a whole 5 minutes had passed from my last memory to that.. They said I started like having seizures or some ***and shaking so bad, she wouldn't even work on me after that, they sent me to a hospital to have day surgery so I could be completely put out.

I warned her ahead of time I have really bad anxiety and I'm particularly afraid of dentists and needles, but yeah, she hears that all the time.. Seeing is believing.. If I could get a psychiatrist to see it, then I could get what I need.

As it stands now, there's nothing I can do but lay down, and eat something sweet.. Not sure why (not hypoglycemia) but it helps me calm down and get back under control.

I mean I know what works, but you can't go in there and tell a psychiatrist "Hey, I used to buy it off the street, I know it works, and I've tried just about everything else yal have thrown at me, just give me the Xanax" they just think you're looking for a high.

No idea who that is.

For the longest time I didn't know what the hell it was. I thought it was everything from gallbladder to random chest pains to spleen maybe, lol.

Then one time like 3rd year of college someone came around with some xanax. Everyone was all *** up on it. I took it and it was like a whole new world. Like life changing.

Yeah tell me about trying to get it prescribed. Psychiatrist are ***. All they want to do is put you on anti-depressants. If I was lucky a small prescription of xanax. I had so many bad reactions from anti-depressants. Prozac for instance sent me to the hospital after the 3rd dose.

I finally found a doctor who listens and understands, it took many years though. It's like walking on egg shells when it comes to what you tell a doctor.

60 x 1 mg xanax & 60 x 1 mg klonopin a month, that's all I need.

Anti-depressants are such *** ***, I could go on for hours about how terrible they are, lol.

My anxiety attacks are totally unprovoked, like even just before it wasn't like I was having a nightmare or anything. They're like 95% physical. I remember those sweating attacks too, *** those.

And yeah this ***happened way before I even touched pot in high school.

Trazadone, I remember that stuff, didn't do anything.

I can't remember the name of the other thing that gave me a really bad reaction. Almost hospital worthy. It wasn't an SSRI or anything like that. It was in it's only category for anxiety.

That ***felt like constant electronic shocks through my head.

Buspar, that's it. I wanna fight the guy who invented that ***.

You sure you remember Trazadone? Did something for me.. It made me *** sick and left me even less able to sleep, it closed up my sinuses so bad I couldn't sleep.. I had to pre-emptively take a double dose of sudafed.. Let's not even get into the nausea I dealt with on a 24/7 basis while on it, or the fact that the next day I just couldn't wake up, at all.. I'm like a *** bull when it comes to medication, it takes usually double or triple the dose (which isn't unheard of, and that's why there are doctors, because there are those like me with a natural tolerance who just need more to get the same effect) but damn, put that stuff in my system..

Just no, *** that stuff..

I've actually been on medication since I was 5 or 6, my problems developed very early, as I alluded to earlier.. I've been dealing with this stuff for a long, long time.. Many different doctors, they seem to be content to 'know what's best for me'. Thanks to those 'who knew best', I know have muscle spasms (if you don't have them, you wouldn't understand why that's such a horrible thing, and if you do, then you understand, nothing I can really say to make someone who doesn't, understand it) and my insomnia has been multiplied ten fold. Right now, I have to take 250mg Diphenhydramine, that's 10 benadryl. That's after all the alcohol and being up for 24+ hours, even then, that's not even to put me to sleep, that's to keep me asleep. And it has about a 75% success rate... 3 out of 4 nights, I will go to sleep, and wake up an hour after I finally fall asleep and wake back up.

I really *** hate doctors. They don't listen, they went to college so I guess they know best. /sarcasm. Any doctor worth his weight in salt would know to listen to his patient. I even tried the bare my soul thing once.. Know what I got? Trazadone. I will suffer the rest of my life because of them. That's why I turned to the street..

BUT there is a bright light.. No anti-depressant could of helped me with my depression. I fought that ***on my own, I still have it here and there as I'm sure a few reading this know <_< but.. Compared to where I was at, everyday was a spin of the wheel, who knew what would happen that day, would I go off the deep end, or would it just be a 'normal' day. No anti-depressant would have fixed that.. I had a plague in me, and only all my writing would or could have fixed that. I just bottled everything up, I needed an outlet, not a drug.

Still, my anxiety isn't based in my mind, that's something I can't do with my mind alone, I've tried.

Lol, Topomax gave me that feeling.. Wasn't my pills, a friend gave me them because he didn't like them.. The weird feeling they gave me wasn't exactly pleasant, but I had a very large supply, and they had a completely unexpected effect on me, they mellowed me out, not made me tired, or high.. Just mellow.

All this has made me realize, I should be a doctor, I can spin a wheel and guess a random pill to hand out and pretend like I know what I'm doing with the rest of them..

MegaCon pictures


Didn't get home till like 11PM :| stayed to see the cosplay contest then went to eat, then had to drop some friends off first before I got dropped off.

Was a good day got some good loot, a Megacon 2012 D6, some glasses (4, nice glass glasses) aaaaaand a signature from Peter Mayhew.

To my recollection, it was years ago, trazadone had no effect. It may have given me a stuffy nose, but I've always had sinus problems.

When I would get some shitty prescription of xanax like .25 x 30, and the physicist would be like now don't take these unless you absolutely need them, I was like are you kidding me?

I would need at least 8 of those (2mg) to help any sudden attack.

I once got into an argument with a physicist over her credentials. She was like I went to school for all these years, blah blah blah. She was young and like fresh out of school. So I was like what real world experience do you have? I called her out several times, not listening and literally just reading from a text book. I was like stop *** reiterating your text book and think for a minute. Tried to explain to her that not everyone is the same. She just kept repeating the same thing about mentally controlling anxiety. I'm like did you miss the chapter on physically induced anxiety? Well it's really caused mentally, and would go on about social anxiety.

I'm like the opposite of social anxiety, lol. People don't scare me. They make me angry though, lol. I guess my outlet when I need it is to either argue pointlessly, or what I have found to work the best is humor. LULZ > ALL.

Like when my step-grandmother died in December from complications due to the removal of her lung from lung cancer. I smoked a cig just for her, lol. Then my mom and I cracked jokes about when she was in a coma that she would awake one last time to *** at everyone. And sure enough right before she died she started screaming and telling everyone off. We laughed about that for a good hour.

In college my nickname was the Doctor. Back then I order all sorts of pills online. Back then it was easy and cheap for anything. People would come in jokingly saying they have all these symptoms, what do you recommend? Some 10mg hydrocodone should do the trick, that will be $5 a pill. Stuffy nose? Try crushing up half a pill and snort it. That APAP will clear you sinuses.

Alright time to go back to bed.

Good luck with life.

Lol same thing happened to me, at the time, I was on gold card, which is like ghetto insurance, you know you pay a co-pay for medical treatment or w/e... Anyways, to even get to go see the dentist, a doctor first had to look at my mouth and go DAYUM SON! <_< (kinda embarrassing, but at the same time, not really my fault, yeah I have 0 teeth left anymore, but it's not uncommon on my mother or father's side for that to happen. It's a problem well beyond proper brushing and ***, and I've said it before here) and refer me to a dentist..

The dentist I told I had a horrible fear of dentist and needles, when he was referring me, I begged him for xanax, on xanax I can do pretty much anything, I can pierce my own lip 20 times in one night, no problem. Pain doesn't bother me, on or off it, it's just the needle going in that bothers me because of psychological trauma when I was younger. He told me that SHE would have to be the one to prescribe it for me.. So I go for the initial visit where they're making the 'battle plan' on what to do, at the end, I start telling her exactly what's going to happen, and what the first doctor said and that I am REALLY going ot need that xanax, whether she gives it to me, in the office, 30 minutes or whatever before she starts, or she writes a script, I'm GOING To need it..

She tells me that he would have to be the one to do that, because they don't write scripts or prescribe medicine at all.. At this point I want the problem dealt with, but I can't face this without medication, so I GO BACK to the first one, and start begging him for it, I even offer to take it there (that's where they fill the scripts too, so it's not like it's out of the scope of possibility I take it there, in front of them) finally he gets tired of hearing me..

He prescribes me .75mg. That wouldn't do ***to me even if I snorted it, smoked a joint and chugged a beer..

Well you know what happens next. I warned them.

Mine does 45-50 damage.

Two gorgets farmed x.x

I was trying to finish up my gorgets last night, but the UFOs are scared of me and hide :(

Yea...can't seem to find them when want them, but thankfully ovni drops his organs alot :)

...

I didn't realize that Ovni dropped them... That should've been obvious...

/sigh

You can't be blamed for that assumption though, none of the other al'taieu mobs in abyssea dropped organs

Way to go, Josi. WAY TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL PEACEFUL MORNING!