Random Thoughts.....What Are You Thinking?

Stuff about death in spoiler

Just a very solemn song, and even though only one line mentions father, I wanted my father in my life, pretty much all my life and he wasn't.. It's hard to articulate how the song makes me feel and how a lot of the lyrics are very relevant to my life, but they are.


Can bring me to tears, but they're good tears, mostly when no one else is awake or near to see me, it just wouldn't be the same any other way.. They're tears of cleansing.. Even now I have to hold them back. When things have just gotten so stressful or ridiculous, listening to this just lets me clean everything out. When I just feel at the end of my rope, this loosens the knot. Even if the stress was due to very negative things, the tears are positive ones, it's almost as if the tears are lumps of grief being exited from my body and my mind and evaporated into nothing or simply wiped away.



And finally, my greatest fear.. That I will die alone and forgotten.. I really have no friends anymore, they've all moved away and I don't go out and make any. I had 2 ~real~ friends left and one is moving away (like all the rest) so now I have one, and me and him don't really get along all that well.. He's more like a brother than a friend. My family hates me, and I hate them, actually my family pretty much hates each other.. It was actually my brother's funeral that started making me fear this.. His funeral was packed, but he was very popular, among our family and all the friends he'd made.. If I were to go into a casket today, the only people who would be there would be my wife, friend who isn't moving, mother in law, son, grandma, grandpa, mom and youngest brother (and only because he's barely older than my son and would come attached to my mom) Maybe I'm conceited or maybe I just feel that alone.. But that's not something I want to think of. I just feel so goddamned abnormal because I have so few real life relations, and not just that I don't have them, that I'm complacent without them.. I don't like people, I don't get along with them, they all have this way of making me feel alienated, so I've avoided them. I've had a ***load of 'friends' but the vast majority have stabbed me in the back in some major way, the few I call my friends make up maybe 1/10th of all the people I used to call friends and maybe 1/20th of my constant 'associations'.