Random Thoughts.....What Are You Thinking?

For visual, future reference, when you buy that clear coat in a can ***and spray it on wet spray paint, that's what you get.. I found it out the hard way.. Looks fine, until it dries, you walk away, then come back, you get that pattern.

You ever have something you want to say to someone so bad, that it goes beyond a want, it's a need.. I refuse to talk to my father, he calls occasionally to talk to my grandmother (mostly her b-day and mother's day, sometimes thanksgiving or christmas) and if I pick up the phone I just say hold on and give her the phone, I don't give him a chance to talk, I don't want to talk to him, I always end up crying and getting violent with anyone who comes near me until I've calmed down..

When I was growing up, I wanted nothing more than my parents, I looked upon my friends with contempt because they had a mother and father.. I had neither. I despise the both of them for abandoning me.. I know what happened to my brothers, they were abused badly, and I looked upon them with contempt too, I wanted my father to be in my life and beat me, at least it would mean he was in my life..

Sometimes I wish I had the strength to just 'hold my ground' and tell him flat out, he had his chance to be my father and he didn't want that.. He doesn't get to come around years later and try to be a dad, he had his chance and he blew it, but I also want to thank him, because I despise who he is so much that I am absolutely determined to never just abandon my son.. That I will be part of my son's life and who my father is as a person and a father is exactly who I refuse to be, and I strive to never be like him..

I guess in some weird way, he taught me how to be a father, it's not anything he ever intended, I didn't learn from him, I learned from his mistakes.

/end emo rant and now I feel a bit better.