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The Pew Pew Sticks and Motorcycles

I went to a cookout recently to hang out with some old punk rock friends from yesteryear... now...it's been thirty years since I have seen/hung out with some of these people. ok?

During the time I've been gone from their lives I've been immersed in my wife's family culture, which I adopted when they adopted me. They're immigrants from one of those eastern european balkan states, it's not important which one. It should be called Gracious Hospitality because the one thing they now how to do better than anyone else in the world is throw a party. We're talking beyond Texas levels of like whole cow bbq... you take that up about twelve notches and then add on eighty more dishes, forty seven different deserts... and a full bar.

If you've only ever been to, midwestern style, hotdogs, hamburgers and a six pack type bbq's you probably don't know what the *** I'm taking about and have no frame of reference... Hoppy probably knows what I'm talking about... I'm fairly sure she has been to texas style blowouts... Excess is the watchword I'm trying to convey here.

So. not all of these old friends could make it to my wedding which was so epic it's still talked about to this day.... So I want to bring some of this to them. Ok? A buddy of mine was very graciously hosting it, but I know he is of this wienie roast type hotdoga on a stick upbringing. So I brought enough food to feed an army, enough beer to float a battleship and I brought enough cigars for everyone. I figured, we're all going to be outside grilling meat and drinking beer... of course you bring cigars... right?

I'm not doing it at my house so this is the scaled down version piss poor excuse of the lifestyle I have been living like a king all these years.... And it still blew all of their minds completely apart

They couldn't grasp it and I couldn't explain it to them.... I think they enjoyed it but it was clear they were a bit overwhelmed.
Didn't know quite what to make of it.

But we're wandering dangerously off the main point/catalyst of this whole rant which was cigars. I went to a men's gathering recently (wife's side of the family) while the wives were at a restaurant for a baby shower the men had an impromptu get together and the father brought at least fifty cigars, took over the patio of the bar and bought four of everything on the menu...

In my scaled down version for this picnic I only bought a dozen cigars or so, BUT they were carefully selected, good cigars, carefully chosen, ranging from mild to bold. I don't know what type of cigars other people enjoy so I'm trying to get the best representatives of each of the categories, like maduro etc.... no candela but a nice sort of rainbow of the other varieties. Not too expensive, maybe $20 each tops. I'm not smuggling cubans or something. I didn't go that far.

Nobody smoked a cigar with me. I smoked two!!!... I smoked the whole time I was there ok. Offered them numerous times to everyone. No takers. Not a one. I couldn't talk anyone else into it.

Jesus...no wonder I haven't been hanging out with these *** this whole time...bunch of candyass no cigar smoking pansies! wtf?!....

Take a vacation from from being a schlub for half an hour and venture over to the richer side of life with me brothers. We're old now, we made it over the hump. It's ok to pretend you're a rich *** for just a little while man... taste what real tobacco is supposed to taste like....

Newp.

I gave one to the host as a parting gift. I can only hope he one day fires it up and sees the light... I feel like Aladdin trying to take jasmine on the magic carpet ride and she's all... No. I'm good, thanks though... <record scratch abruptly stops whole new world>


idk maybe they were offended... oh... so now american cookouts are good enough for you!? well la di dah

/falls back in chair exasperated

*** it

/smokes cigar